Well, here I am again, newly graduated from law school, unemployed, and studying for the hardest exam I will ever take.

I'm actually really excited to be done with school. All this year my fellow third-years and I have been whining about how much we want to be done with school. It feels good to know that I won't have to go through another finals period again. That was never a pleasant experience, not in high school, not at MHC, and not in law school. Good riddance.

However, I'm also somewhat terrified of what comes next. While I'll be glad to finally actually earn some money and be independent, this is of course contingent on my actually finding a job. The active job search is on hold while I'm studying for the bar, because of time constraints (more on this another time), although I'm waiting to hear about a small firm job I interviewed for. But once the bar is done, if nothing has panned out, I'll likely return to my summer job while I'm looking for something permanent. I kind of wish I could just work there, but they don't hire out of law school for one thing, and there are other reasons I wouldn't want to work there permanently.

So, for months now I've been trying to get used to the idea of not being a student. Not knowing exactly what I'll be doing in Sept. scares me. I envy those lucky few who got jobs before graduation (mostly from summer jobs that were hiring). I have always been relatively secure in knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing; this is really the first time in my life where the future isn't entirely cut and dry. And while theoretically that provides a lot of opportunity, because I could do any number of things, in reality it's incredibly frightening and overwhelming.

There's a lot of change going on around me now, more so than I felt when I graduated MHC because I knew I was still going to be a student. Now I've graduated and gotten all the education I'm going to get, at least for quite some time. Several of my friends, including two from MHC, are engaged/recently married. And three of my four grandparents have passed away in the past year.

(Speaking of which, my grandparents' house in upstate NY went on the market this past week. My mom went on the realtor's website and showed me the listing, and I almost started crying when I saw the picture of their house where I had spent so much time growing up. I didn't expect it to affect me like that.)

I guess this happens to everyone in their early 20s. I suppose what it boils down to is, it's hard to stop being a child and become a grownup. When we're little we want so badly to grow up, and when it starts to happen it's never what we expected, and it scares us. And change, even good change, is hard to accept. There's always a part of us that wishes some things would never change - that our grandparents, if we grew up with them, would live forever, that our parents would never get older, that our friends would never get married and it would always be just the girls (more on this another time), and even that there would always be the security of going back to school in the fall.

But fortunately this is just a part of us, and there's another part that is impatient for the future - to be *done* with bar or any other exams, to get that job and move to that new place, to someday get married and maybe have children. I have also found that I *love* "grownup" things like living in my own apartment and driving.

So I'm feeling a lot of things right now: excited, impatient, eager, proud and relieved to be done with school, nervous about the bar and finding a job, overwhelmed with the changes going on and the choices I have to make.

And that's more or less what's been going on the past few months. I'll write more soon about friends' weddings, the bar review course, law school dances, and my first car accident.

Date:	2004-01-20 19:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

Well, I'm back from Christmas break and back in the thick of things at school. Break was not so good. My grandfather went into the hospital for an operation the day before I went home, and he passed away the day before I came back to school. I spent a good part of every day of the break at the hospital with my mom.

He had had cancer twice before, in the last five years or so, in various parts of his body, and this time he just couldn't make it. He was 89 years old (would've been 90 this August), so he had a good long life, but I'm really, really going to miss him.

What makes this even harder is the fact that my other grandfather, my dad's father, passed away last April. To lose both of my grandfathers in one twelve-month period is a lot for me and my family to take. But they've been doing really well.

When my other grandfather passed away, I had just come home the day before from spring break. I spent that break going back and forth to the hospital, too. I wasn't able to go home for the funeral, and this time, my parents again insisted that I needed to go back to school, so I did. It's difficult to be away from the family at times like these.

Plus my mom's relationship with her siblings is not the greatest, so doing all the practical things to settle the estate has been interesting, to say the least. My grandmother is still alive, but in a nursing home - we also went to see her over break. She is no longer mentally competent, so everything passes to my mom and her siblings, hence why they have to do all this now.

Over the weekend the students at my school had the chance to do some volunteer work at a hospital or a nursing home. I might have otherwise, but after the break I had I just couldn't handle it. I've seen enough of those places for a while.

Add that to the fact that two of my good friends are having problems with each other right now, which puts me in the middle (where I *hate* being), and that I still haven't lined up a job for after graduation, and it makes for a stressful time, to put it mildly.

This has been some three years (and they're not over yet). After all this, I hope there's something good in store for me down the road. I'm sure ready for it.

Wow. Since I wrote last, life has just been crazy. I don't even have time to write a full update now, but to sum up quickly:

The good:

*My family has a new cat, courtesy of a friend of mine here at school who found him hanging around outside her apartment, and me, who took him in for a week. Luckily my parents were coming down for October break around that time and they took him back with them.

*I am really enjoying my Trial Advocacy class and getting more comfortable with public speaking.

*I also enjoyed hearing Appellate Moot Court arguments on the case file I wrote.

*I love working in the law library.

*I went to two Halloween parties last week and had a great time at both.

The bad:

*My grandmother is not doing well at all and she is now in a nursing home.

*My aunt had a lawyer draft a document giving her power of attorney, which my mom has to sign, and my mom wants me to look at it before she signs it.

*Still no job in sight. I sent some resumes to different State departments, but apparently there's a hiring freeze with no end in sight. I'm going to start researching small firms in the Albany area.

Date:	2003-09-30 19:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Heehee! I was called a "shyster lawyer!" I love it.

In my Trial Advocacy class we have to do an oral exercise every week. This week we had to do an opening statement. Basically this kid, a high school football star with dreams of going into the NFL, was in an accident on his motorcycle where he ran into a car that pulled into his lane. I was representing the defendant. I tried to show that the kid's subsequent career-ending injuries (epileptic seizures) were not a result of the accident.

The woman who was acting as judge said, "You were kind of a shyster. You basically said to the plaintiff, 'Gee, I'm *really* sorry about what happened to you. But it's not our fault and you're not getting any money from us.'" I thought that was great!

Date:	2003-09-25 17:18
Subject:	Rant, rant, rant...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	The Supremes: The Ultimate Collection

OK, this has been building up for a while now and I *have* to get it out somehow.

Among the friends I've made at school are two very sweet, wonderful, beautiful, thin girls. Now, I myself am a size 10-12 (depending on the clothes) - not what I would call "thin", and I'm perfectly OK with that.

Or at least I thought I was.

Actually, no, I still am, really, except...argh, here I go! How to explain it...

First off, I have a huge problem with how the media in general portrays "beautiful" women. They always seem to be the same body type, and we all know what type that is. I try not to buy into the hype. I watch what I eat, and I try not to gain weight, but I'm not actively trying to lose weight either. I'm comfortable with my weight, and though I *could* stand to exercise more for health reasons, I am healthy and reasonably content...most of the time.

See, I hang out a lot with these girls, and they tend to say things like "oh, I'm getting so chunky in the rear. I need to work out more." "I'm gaining weight," "I want to be 95 pounds, not 105. I think that would be a good weight for me." (They are both very petite, so 95 pounds would not be a terribly unhealthy weight, but still.) So I tend to feel *big* around them. I mean, if they think *they* are fat, man, they must think I'm freakin' huge! Which I *never* feel like when I'm not around them.

One time, one of them actually told me that "you're pretty, but if you lost about ten pounds, you could really turn some heads." Now, it's hard to be around her without thinking, "She thinks I need to lose weight!" (For the record, I have lost about 5 pounds since that conversation, but not because of it.)

They don't have eating disorders, either - believe me, I've seen them eat and we all eat about the same amounts of the same things. I guess I just have a different metabolism.

I don't know if it's even worth bringing up at all, or if it would cause more problems then it would solve. I don't think they do it on purpose, and I don't think they realize it bothers me. It's gotten to the point where I'm a bit paranoid and think that when I'm not there, they talk about how fat I am.

I suspect if I brought it up, they would say, "Well, you *could* stand to lose a few pounds." Which totally misses the point.

I want to stay healthy, but I'm not actively trying to lose weight right now. I feel fine with my size, but I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm being silently criticized for my weight all the time. I'm afraid that if I broach the topic, it'll seem like I really am just jealous and just need/want to lose weight.

end of rant, for now

So the latest news is that my grandmother is in the hospital. She and my grandfather both got colds, and she got fluid in her lungs. So she's been in the hospital since last week, and she's coming home on Wednesday. My grandfather is going to get someone to come to the house to help look after her. This is just the latest in a long series of health problems she's had. This is about all my mom told me, and I feel like there are things she's not telling me because she doesn't want me to be upset. Last semester my grandfather on my dad's side passed away, and I really hope my family and I don't have to experience another death in the family so soon. It's hard being away from the family at a time like this, and feeling like I don't really understand what's going on.

Besides that, I've been OK except for a cold. Isabel was supposed to hit my area with heavy rain and wind. We got the wind but not the rain, and although a lot of public schools closed on Friday, ours was still open. No rest for the weary.

I called the MPRE people, and I definitely passed. *whew* It was difficult explaining to my dad how I did on the test because he doesn't understand a scoring system that isn't out of 100. I don't think I do either, but I know I did OK and I don't have to take it again! :)

I got to go miniature golfing last weekend, which was a lot of fun and not too expensive. I don't know why it took us till our third year to find the place, but I'm sure we'll make up for lost time. I also want to go to the PA RenFaire one weekend soon.

If no one from my summer job gets back to me by the end of the week, I'll have to call them and ask for any contacts they have. I really want to get started sending stuff out, but I'd like to have a bit of an "in" first, if possible. Hope I'm not just dreaming.

I have decided that I really don't want a second part-time job. I think having classes and one job is more than enough for me to handle right now.

I was hoping to get something impressive and government-related that might help me more in the job hunt than working at the library circ desk, but there are a few reasons why that hasn't worked out:

1) I didn't decide till this summer what I was aiming for, so I wasn't really looking in the spring, which is the ideal time.

2) Most of these positions are intern/externships that don't pay. I wanted to get paid.

3) I *like* working in the library, and don't want to give it up, but I can't do that and something else.

I hope I'm not just being lazy and unambitious by wanting *some* free time and not using *every* spare hour for classes, studying, work, and the job hunt. I don't think I am.

Speaking of jobs, I met with the career counselor who actually wasn't as helpful as I had hoped. She didn't seem to know much about what was going on in NY State. But she told me a couple of things that made me feel better: First, that I'm not behind in the search, and second, that not having an internship right now at the kind of place I want to work at eventually isn't fatal. :)

I contacted my summer job to ask if they have any contacts with the State, which is very likely. Hopefully they'll get back to me soon.

Oh, and I almost forgot...I got my score on the MPRE (legal ethics test) back...I got 41 out of 50 questions right. The problem is, their scaled scoring is messed up because it's out of 150 and not 100. Basically I'm not 100% sure I passed. I have to call them tomorrow to clarify. Why can't they make things simple?

So I didn't get the externship in Harrisburg, and I'm kind of annoyed. It would have been good experience...or maybe not. Maybe it's all for the best. I don't know. One of my friends thinks it's because I'm not a PA resident. I wonder about that. I made an appointment with the career services office to talk about stuff. I have an idea where I want to get to; now, how do I get there? Where do I start? I'm confused. This whole job search thing is no fun at all.

What is fun is my Advanced Legal Research class. I think the prof is out of his mind. Which is part of what makes it so much fun. Everyone else here is so sane. ;)

Date:	2003-08-23 10:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lazy

So I've been back at school since last Monday and classes start next Monday. I still haven't made up my mind about all my classes, which is somewhat unusual for me. Plus I might be doing an externship for academic credit, as soon as I hear back about it.

Yesterday I went with two of my law school friends to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, which was really fun. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory and got these huge appetizers, which were so big we couldn't eat a regular meal. How anyone could eat one of these plus a meal is beyond me. But we did have cheesecake and it was delicious.

After we left the aquarium, we had a little trouble getting out of Baltimore. We got stuck in a thunderstorm, which started just as we were leaving, riding through some really sketchy parts of Baltimore. Eventually we were able to pull over and read a map and figure out where we were going, but the rain didn't help anything. But we did get home safely, thank God.

I am not looking forward to all the work I have to do, even before classes start. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to give law students work before classes start should be...well, never mind, he's got to be dead by now anyway.

Date:	2003-08-17 15:48
Subject:	Packing, or Where did I *get* all this crap???
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	"Broadway's Lost Treasures" on PBS

I really intensely dislike packing to go back to/leave school. First of all, it always astounds me how much stuff I have managed to accumulate over 24 years. I'm at a point in my life where I am always looking to get rid of stuff I don't need, because in the near future I'm going to be moving out of the house permanently, and everything will have to go. So I get really frustrated when I see how much stuff I have that I don't need but is hard to get rid of (either I'm attached to it or afraid I'll need it again).

Also, moving large boxes into a car is stressful in the heat and humidity - and it is *very* humid here today. And packing always seems to take much longer than I think it will. Plus there's the emotional factor that summer's ending and this is my last year of school (Eek!) Finally, there's the fear that I will forget something. Things like trying to figure out how many pairs of shoes you'll need are not fun, at least not to me.

*sigh* Oh well, I'm just about done, just have to move the last few things into the car and tomorrow I'm on my way to probably my last first day of school ever...at least for a while.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure when you're leaving, doubtfulguest, but I want to wish you all the best. I know you'll have an amazing experience. Please have a lot of fun and learn a lot on behalf of all us Anglophiles! Be happy and safe, and keep in touch. :)

Date:	2003-08-08 19:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I took the MPRE (Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam) today, and I am *so* glad to be done with it. I feel like I've been studying for it forever. I feel pretty good in general about it, although there were some questions that were tricky and overall I thought it was harder than the review questions I did. That may just be stress, though. Anyway, I'm giving a tentative sigh of relief until my score comes in in a month.

So, I now really love driving. I was never that eager to drive-always kind of liked being chauffered or taking public transport-which explains why it took me this long to get a car and really start driving. But I have made a lot of progress this summer, and feel a lot more confident. Oh, and this is cool-at least *I* think it is. I'm getting pedal extenders for the car so I can sit back further from the wheel! This is exciting to me, because I feel like I will be more comfortable, safer, and have more control over the car. Easy Rider Pedal Extenders Hooray for realizing that not everyone is, say, 5'6" and over.

Date:	2003-08-05 09:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	WCBS FM 101.1

Well, the skies are cloudy but no rain is falling (yet), and here I am at work having finally driven alone! The only problem I had was with parking-I had to pull out and back in twice before I was satisfied. I don't like being too far over to one side in case another car parks there. This parking thing is definitely harder than it looks, but I'm getting there.

I finally saw two of the movies I've been wanting to see-"Pirates of the Caribbean" and "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." I liked "Pirates" more than "League." I liked the idea of "League," being a fan of the literature of that period. But the movie was rather disappointing. Too much gratuitous violence where there could have been more character development. And why add Tom Sawyer to a story that didn't include him in the first place? He seemed extremely out of place. It smacks of pandering to Americans-like we can't enjoy a movie unless at least one of the characters is American. The relationship with Quartermain could have been a way to integrate Sawyer more, but it seemed forced and somewhat inexplicable.

Still want to see "Legally Blonde 2," though I'm not optimistic that it will be as good as the first one, which I loved. One of my favorite little moments in "Legally Blonde" is when Elle is studying for the LSAT and her friend is reading her a question - it was a question from the LSAT I took in June 2000!

Oh, and I started adding interests to my profile! It's actually fun to search by interest and see how many people share yours. The only thing that's a little frustrating is that there are several ways to say the same thing. There were lists under "musicals," "musical theatre," and "musical theater," for example, and under "lm montgomery" and "l.m. montgomery."

I was all set to drive to work alone for the first time today, so of course we had a downpour just when I was about to leave. Plus it's supposed to rain every day this week. I guess someone up there doesn't want me on the road alone just yet, though why I don't know-I *have* improved a lot in the last couple of weeks. We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

I went to the review for the MPRE at Pace on Saturday. I didn't realize it was just going to be a video of some guy lecturing. I mean, it was still good to review the rules I have to know, but as one girl said, what if you have a question or need to clarify something? And apparently this is the way the bar review class is as well. I can tell that this is going to be a long, arduous process. Speaking of which, I have decided that I am most likely going to take both the NY and NJ bars, which is possible because the state portion of each exam is on a different day. I still have to figure out exactly how I'm going to review, but it's definitely feasible.

I was also pondering getting a second job (I already have one in the school library), but I am doubtful about that now. Most of the available legal-related jobs seem to be in Harrisburg (about a half hour away) or farther, and I do not want to drive that far to work two or three days a week. It'd have to be something much closer. What I am pondering now is doing some pro bono work through our school, which would give me more experience, not take very much time, and presumably not require a lot of traveling. I'll have to look into this when I get back to school.

On Tuesday night there was a girl from Smith on "Jeopardy!" She talked about the Whispering Woman, which of course brought back a lot of memories of people I knew who had talked to her (I was never called by her myself.) I love the fact that people will continue to talk to someone who hasn't identified herself, or be fooled into thinking they know who it is. I wanted to be on "Jeopardy!" when I was in college, but never actually got around to doing anything about it. I bet MHC would've loved that, especially because the winner gets money for their school. Hey, I could've been in Vista! It's still an ambition of mine to get on that show someday, somehow.

On August 8 I'm taking the Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam (MPRE) which I have to get *85* on to be admitted to the Bar in NY State. I go back and forth between feeling like I can totally blow this thing out of the water, and feeling like I'm just going to blow it. Plus the daily review is starting to get old, fast. But the more I practice the more comfortable I feel. And this is nothing compared to the Bar next year-I can only imagine how much fun *that's* going to be.

Date:	2003-07-21 10:04
Subject:	Yawn...
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Slow morning at work, which is great because I just got back from vacation. Both attorneys who are usually in are on vacation.

I had a great week in Montreal with Mom, when she wasn't driving me crazy. We get along great most of the time, but I find it really annoying when she treats me like a little kid. Example: when we're packing, she says to me, "Now, don't bring too much stuff, because I'm not carrying anything for you." Um, when was the last time you carried anything for me on vacation? When I was about 11? If anything, it's the other way around: I sometimes wind up carrying stuff for her. So, it was inevitable that little things like that would come up during the trip and just get under my skin. The worst part is that in the process of trying to explain why I get upset when she treats me like a kid, I wind up acting like one, which doesn't help my cause. I know when I'm doing it too, yet I find it hard to stop. Stubbornness, I suppose.

But luckily this didn't happen too much, and I really did have a great time. It's great to go back to a familiar city and know your way around. It's less stressful not to have to orient yourself, and there are memories most everywhere you go. Plus there are always new things to do and see that you didn't get around to the first (or second, or third) time. This is the third time I've been back since I went to school there, and I have a feeling I'm going to come back regularly, if only for a few days. doubtfulguest, you'll find this out when you go away. It's great to feel like you're not just a tourist anymore, like you have a claim to a place, that you've left something of yourself there and taken something away with you.

So, we saw a lot and did a ton of walking. Among other things we went to museums, took a boat ride up the St. Lawrence, walked around the old part of the city by the water, saw the Olympic stadium, shopped (they had a great sidewalk sale while we were there), and ate some great meals.

And in case anyone was still in doubt about how travel has changed since 9/11, we were delayed on the train both going and coming at customs. We were there for an hour and a half going into Canada, delaying the train by an hour, and for two and a half hours coming back to the US, delaying us by two hours. Both times people were actually taken off the train, though for what we weren't told. It's good to be cautious, but if these stops are routinely going to be this long, Amtrak should adjust its published schedule accordingly. Be honest about how long it's going to take!

Driving lately has been one adventure after another. I have decided to avoid driving with my dad whenever possible. He's just too nervous, and that makes me nervous. He's always yelling at me to look where I'm going, even when I *am*. My brother is much more calm. I find going in reverse to be hard sometimes, especially trying to back out of our driveway, which I have christened the Driveway from Hell. It ends behind our house, and all four of our vehicles are parked there, so you have to get out from behind the house without hitting anyone's car (or the deck), and then back up a narrow driveway without hitting the side of the house. Keep in mind this is all *uphill* too. Fun fun fun.

I'm going to Montreal in a week!!! I went to McGill for a year, and I've been back twice since then-once over spring break to stay with some friends and once with my mom last summer. Mom and I are going again this summer. We go up on the train, which takes a whole day (10 AM to 7 PM), but is fun, to me at least. I like it better than flying because there's more leg room and more to look at. The ride up to Montreal is actually quite pretty. And I usually manage to read a book and sleep for a bit. The hotel where we'll be staying has a pool, and I got a new bathing suit! It's blue with flowers, has a tank top, and the bottom has a skirt around it. I think making tank tops for bathing suits is a great idea. Time was you could get either a one-piece or a two-piece with a bikini top, and that was it.

Oh, and I had a great birthday last week. My family, including my grandmother, went out to a little Italian restaurant and I had penne vodka, which I *love*. I got cake, flowers and a card at work, which was very sweet. The only problem was that we didn't have the cake until 3, so I kind of spoiled my appetite for dinner. I mean, I loved it, but I couldn't finish it all and I could not eat dessert. I did bring the rest of the penne home and heated it up for lunch the next day. :) My brother gave me a gift card for Best Buy, so I think a trip there is in order...

Today was the most exhausting day of work so far this summer. Whenever lawyers have a deadline to meet, watch out!

After work I went for my first drive in my new (used) car. It was my grandfather's old car. He passed away earlier this year, and I "inherited" it. (I put "inherited" in quotes because I actually bought it from my grandmother.) At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation, but then I thought it might be nice to keep the car in the family. I've had to wait until we got new plates, changed the title, and got it inspected and serviced before I could actually drive it.

So, today I practiced parking and backing into spaces, which I'm still not great at. But it felt good to be behind the wheel again.
I plan on getting out again this weekend for a while. And I'm taking a Defensive Driving class Saturday!

Date:	2003-06-25 14:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

I turn 24 on Friday. Ever since I turned 21, I have been looking forward to each birthday less and less. I feel old when I think about turning 24...or, more accurately, I feel *young,* younger than my real age, and like there are all sorts of things I should have accomplished by now that I haven't. I guess it's mostly because I'm still in school, still live at home over the summer, and still am not really making enough money to be financially independent.

However, there are reasons why part of me still looks forward to my birthday every year, the same reasons that I did when I was little: gifts, cake, and celebrations with family. I'll have to become extremely depressed and cynical before I stop looking forward to those things.

Speaking of money, I got a job for next school year at the library circulation desk! I didn't have one last year, so it'll be nice to have some extra money besides what I made over the summer.

Oh...wow...

I finished OOtP yesterday and passed it on to Mom. I read it so fast mainly because I *had* to find out who died. I'm more sad about that death now than I was when I read about it yesterday.

The whole book is great and we see some good character development. I can't wait to see where Rowling is going with some of the hints she's dropped.

The only disadvantage to reading it so fast is that now I have to wait who knows how long to find out what happens next!

Lately I've been reading more slowly than usual, but I think OOtP has given me a second wind. Now I feel energized to read more quickly for the rest of the summer. I think it's because I haven't read a book in a while where I was *so* eager to find out what happens that I couldn't put it down.